Having my two beautiful blessings has been nothing short of amazing and they've changed my life for the best but anyone who knows me, knows I have been team DONE forever. As a younger person, my vision of future life never included my current two let alone a WHOLE. NOTHER. ONE!! (I'm still shook). I have been very set on this decision all the way up until March 2019...
March, I sat alone many days, crying, wondering, confused, relieved, guilty and lost. All of the well checks, phone calls and messages had disappeared following the miscarriage I had just experienced. For everyone else, it was over. For me, it was just beginning. I felt horrible for having such mixed emotions about a life, but it just wasn't a part of my plan. My youngest was 7 and that was the end for the German babies. Having an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy was so devastating and even more so was the pain I had to endure as it was ending; both physically and emotionally. When I had to play the waiting game as our little one was soon to be no more, it caused feelings I had never felt in all my years. For the first time in a long time, I felt living. I was feeling. It was painful yet beautiful all in the same.
When you're superwoman and life is busy, it's easy to get wrapped up in the commotion without taking an inventory of your life consistently. What do I want? What do I need? What serves me?.. are all questions that usually fall b y the way side. I really started asking myself the hard questions about why I made all the decisions I had made up until this point and amazingly the answer was never because of ME but due to others or situations I experienced prior that caused me to set up levels of protection for myself and to (in my mind) right all the wrongs. Thing is, MY life is still being written. I cannot base life off of my parents, past life traumas and/or fear for something that hasn't been my story up until this point.
So, as I thought and prayed, day after day, a couple of months went by and I noticed my heart started to gradually change unexpectedly. The thought of another baby German began to sound sweet. After all, it was a thought I NEVER entertained before. Something about it seemed beautiful and meant. I kept it to myself and kept thinking on it. A few weeks later, I was willing to risk it all, ha, ha!! We decided to try one month and go from there. Well, it's now history because we are almost halfway through! We feel so blessed as a family and cannot wait for Baby "G" to grace us with her presence. We have a lot of love waiting for her.
If I can leave you with one "note to self", it would definitely be reevaluate your "Y" (why) for your choices in life. If it doesn't ultimately lead back to "I", you then need to evaluate if the thoughts for your choices enable growth and healing or create limits and increase fear in your life. You CAN have all that you desire and accomplish your purpose/ goals, too. Whether it's an addition to your family, a big move, a new business venture, release a toxic relationship or simply putting your first for a while...so many good things can come from checking your motives for all that you do!
Thank you all for sticking around. I know I've been a bit inconsistent with posting during this time but I refueled and miss everyone lots! Til' next time...