For those new to Guru?! Who knew! and/or the balancing act that is Alexas, I am a proud mother of two beautiful, intelligent and healthy children! They have been my everything and I have always felt they were MORE than enough! I took my double portion (of blessings) and stopped there. Throughout the years, I have been very vocal about not desiring to have any more children and went through many birth control methods to ensure I was on track. Shortly after having my birth controlled removed due to many complications, I found out I.WAS.PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(That statement needed a whole half of a line)
Yes, Pregnant!! Due October 5th, 2019!
I was devastated and felt like this new revelation ruined all of my plans of climbing new heights in business, my blog, travel, etc. I felt betrayed by my husband because he didn't uphold his end of the bargain as he had ONE TASK. ONE TASK. I was in a VERY horrible headspace. This went on for a couple weeks all while being sick everyday. We told our children and family members about the upcoming arrival while I tried to be accepting of what was happening. As days went on, my children's love and excitement changed my heart about the new little German and their love propelled me forward and helped change my outlook on the new addition. Monday of that next week, I started to feel excited and at peace with where life was taking me. By Wednesday, the unexpected took a turn unexpectedly...I was miscarrying.
I feel a extremely sharp pain that stops me in my tracks that I had never felt in my other two pregnancies. I felt in my gut that something was terribly wrong. I called the doctor's office and told them about the pain and newly developed light bleeding...they didn't feel that it was cause for alarm but had me come in for lab work anyway. The lab work revealed my hormones were dropping and prompted an ultrasound where we saw our baby at the bottom of my uterus on their way out. Being that the baby was still alive, my options were limited and my only choice was to wait it out. Once we received news that the baby's heart was no longer beating days later, we were given our options that included a D&C. It was a 2-week long ordeal that added a chapter to my "woman story" that I will NEVER forget. This experience ranks up there with the "Comatose Chapter"(happened during childhood) and the range of emotions experienced have been all but easy to navigate. Sometimes we aren't aware that we can't until we don't...
Guilt
This was a big one. When I found out I was miscarrying, I felt as if it was my fault. I felt I had over exerted myself or created bad juju because I was so disappointed when I initially found out I was pregnant. I felt very responsible for the miscarriage happening and felt even worse because there was nothing I could do. At that moment I regretted everything negative I said as if it was the cause for the unfortunate happening. No matter how many times I heard from doctors that it wasn't my fault, I just didn't believe them.
Sadness
I reached a new level of sadness that I could not explain. Operating as "usual" was so hard knowing that I was waiting for the inevitable to happen. Waiting for the child to be expelled from my body in an unloving way hurt me to my soul. I would have to tell my children that the baby would soon be no more and feeling responsible for their sadness hurt me even worse...it was too difficult to bear and I felt overwhelmed with how sad the situation was and how I was going to have to navigate through it.
Failure
I have such high standards for myself in all aspects of life. Feeling like I failed in a major way hurt me to my core. I felt betrayed by my body...1) because I miscarried and 2) because my body was struggling to naturally complete the miscarriage on it's own. I felt like I failed my family's expectations and heck, my own! I had never had any complications previously and could've never expected what I was enduring. I felt like a complete and utter loser. To make matters worse, I couldn't fix it. Even when thinking about the idea of another pregnancy, I now had to consider the possibility of something going wrong... which was never a thought before.
Confused
Having a surprise pregnancy shook my core and losing the baby turned my world upside down. I started questioning everything in my life. I started reviewing all the reasons why or why not I want another child...Am I happy? Do I want another? Am I living for me? Am I considering myself in MY decisions? So many questions plagued my mind and still do. It really caused me to see my life in its totality vs. only in the moment.
Alone - Coping as the "Rock"
Being the "rock" of my family made this situation increasingly hard due to the fact that, for once, I was not able to plaster a smile on my face or reaffirm everything was going to be ok for my family as I always do. Seeing me in an emotional state was rough and my family didn't know how to handle me being in breakdown for a several days. They didn't know what to do to soothe me, encourage me and help me feel better because it's something they have rarely, if ever, experienced. The "Fixer" was broken. Many times when you're strong, those around you don't know how to help because they are put in a situation that unfamiliar territory trying to take care of you. Regardless how hard it is on you, you still try to quickly regroup because you don't want to make them uncomfortable...LEARNING LESSON: Let yourself go through it. don't be so quick to brush by and "keep busy". You'll be healthier for it. Being in a unfortunate moment can be rough but even you need time, too.
As it stands now, I am newly out of a miscarriage and am still coping with the aftermath. This is a new experience for me and going through this has enlightened me to the fact that so many women have experienced this tragedy in their life. From the nurses in the doctor's office to the pharmacist in the pharmacy where I pick up my medications, SO MANY have gone through a miscarriage. They were so positive and uplifting in a time where I was not able to be. It reminded me how much healing for others as well as yourself can be found in transparency. I hope this reminds you that you aren't alone and we all go through dark moments. I hope it encourages you to increase your share among other women; as it holds so much value. Reach a new level with your friends and those you love to share experience that may help them conquer what their battling and end with strength intact. Need to talk? Contact me!