Many take for granted that the holidays are a blissful time, full of romance and passion. Truth is, If a couple is in crisis or has experienced issues in the past that haven't been healed, it's hard to feel anything other than resentment when holidays like Valentine's roll around. As transparency would have it, I spent SO MANY years in this place. I would literally get upset (I was a holiday scrooge, guys, no lie) when the holidays would come, simply because I didn't want to fake feelings of love that I felt like I didn't have. I would buy blank cards (petty) because I didn't want the cards to say anything I didn't mean. Yes, a complete mess. I realized that the biggest gift I needed BEFORE the holidays was HEALING. Although my husband made strides and changed a great deal, the wounds I endured were still very much there. They weren't going anywhere until I heard his heart regarding the matter. It took me a long time to realize that I needed the verbal affirmation of change. I am an "actions speak louder than words" kinda girl... Throughout life, I always felt like I didn't need it; UNTIL LOVE.
Truth: You cannot move past what you do not heal. No gift will replace careful handling of you mate's heart. In order to have "Happy Holidays", you must iron through the uncomfortable and navigate through the hurtful to get to blissful understanding. Everyone relationship is different but transparency and full communication is required to win. This is how you show your mate you are truly there mentally, emotionally and physically as well as being committed to you all's success. Put connection on your to-do list. Other ways to keep wholeness at the forefront are:
1. Find time to reconnect regularly with your mate and create action plans with growth in mind.
2. Allow your husband/wife to experience their emotions fully and express them openly to you without getting in your feelings and shutting them down. We are all individuals and have our own perspectives.
3. Check-in, even on good days following, to show your care and concern for their well-being and encourage daily progression of healing.
4. Be in-tune with your mate and don't be afraid to rock the boat by talking about what may be uncomfortable. Just because you don't address it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist... the more you wait the harder it tends to be to work out tough feelings.
Think about it like this...If you have a business partner that has fallen short on a promise/contractual agreement and they never take the initiative to acknowledge verbally how it impacted the other partner (even if future deals went as expected), how eager do you think the other partner would be to celebrate business highlights? Exactly. They wouldn't be thrilled. Although they may move on with business as usual following the misstep, they may still harbor ill feelings that may bubble to the top at times when positivity should be at an all time high.
Being married for over thirteen years has made me deal and not sweep any longer; which is growth for us both. My husband being open, honest and transparent has made a world of a difference for me. It allowed me to truly let go of so much that was hiding in the cracks I didn't know I had. It renewed my efforts and reinstated all the wonderful feelings holidays like Valentine's day bring.
We all want to be understood and acknowledged. Make sure your actions now are conducive to receiving as much love a you can hold by providing healing to the one you love! This will always yield a great return (and maybe an extra cookie, ha, ha!)